Would-be thief hospitalized after putting Deep Heat up his rectum in Four Square store

A man’s attempt to steal three containers of Deep Heat from a Four Square convenience store turned horribly wrong last night in Tauranga, leading the poor man to the hospital with second and third-degree burns inside his rectal cavity.

According to witnesses, 26-year old Jason Morrison was visibly drunk when he entered the store around 10:30 PM last night to get some food.

It seems the young man was both short on money and judgment, as he decided to take three Deep Heat tubes and stuff them up his rectal cavity to carry them out of the store.

Tauranga Police spokesman, Detective Burke, described the following events in a press conference this morning.

“As soon as he shoved the items up his rectum, he threw himself to the ground holding his butt, and he began crying and screaming.”

Detective Burke says it took witnesses a few minutes to understand what was happening and someone called 111.

“He kept screaming that his ass was burning and he was going to die. I think everyone just thought he was on drugs or suffered from violent diarrhea.” 

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Constable Kevin Burke says the young man has already “suffered consequences beyond his crime” and no charges should be filed against him.

Mr. Morrison was transported to the Tauranga Hospital where doctors were able to extract the Deep Heat and stabilize his condition.

He suffers from second and third-degree burns and will necessitate at least two reconstructive surgeries before he is able to defecate normally again.

Fortunately for him, since the total value of the merchandise that he stole amounts to less than 10$, no criminal charges will be filed against him.

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