Vegans simply can’t help banging on about the fact that they are vegan, according to non-vegans who keep banging on about it.
This is the opinion of just about every non-vegan in the country, insist Britain’s vegans, and they insist that not only is it not true, but it is, in fact, Britain’s non-vegans that are the ones with a problem.
“It’s just getting ridiculous,” said Bob Cabbage, a vegan from Plympton.
“These days it feels like I can’t turn on the TV or look at a satirical news website without someone making some sort of comment or cracking a joke about how vegans can’t help telling everyone that they’re vegan.
“I can tell you for a fact that it’s bollocks. I never bang on about being a vegan to anybody ever. Even though, technically, that’s what I’m doing to you right now.”
Britain’s non-vegans reacted angrily to this assertion.
“No way. I’m not having that,” said Simon Williams, a labourer from Bath. “If you’re in a room with a vegan it’s only a matter of time before they tell you that they’re a vegan and start asking you about your diet. Happens every time. They can’t help it.”
Williams was asked how many times this specific scenario has it happened to him.
“I’m struggling to think, at the moment,” Mr Williams replied. “I’ll have to get back to on that one.”
Could there be some truth to the accusation that it’s not actually vegans who can’t stop talking about being vegan, but non-vegans?
“No,” continued Williams, “It’s vegans. It says it all the time on Facebook so it must be true.”
“As a vegan, I take exception to that,” concluded Mr Cabbage.