Study confirms that soccer is actually really shit to watch

A newly released study from the University of Canterbury has produced somewhat unsurprising results. The study, which surveyed 6000 sports fans from around New Zealand ahead of the current Soccer world cup found that 97% of sports fans thought soccer was “really fucking boring”.

Even less surprising was that the 3% who thought the sport was either “interesting” or “bearable” were either Italian, French, South American or retarded. Professor Zinzan McCaw from the University of Canterbury told Stuffed NZ “I guess it’s not really surprising when you think about it. We pretty much just had a heap of spare money left over from the gender studies budget, so we wanted to work out why most soccer players were whinging little bitches who fell on the ground and cried when they had the smallest bit of contact”

On the back of this survey, Stuffed NZ carried out its own unscientific opinion poll, by surveying 17 drunken punters in the Auckland City Viaduct area on a Saturday night. All 17 unanimously agreed that watching soccer was a very fucking boring way to spend 90 minutes.

“I watched one game once, and after 90 minutes, no one had scored a point. If I wanted to watch a bunch of losers unsuccessfully try to score, I’d go out drinking with my mates more” stated one married punter, who did not want to be named in case his wife found out he wasn’t actually working late. “Fuck, I watched a game the other day, and the guy was barely touched and he rolled around on the floor screaming in agony. It gave me PTSD from when I barely touched my missus and she screamed that I had broken her back” said a male who wished to only be called Tony. A straw poll around the newsroom at Stuffed NZ also confirmed that soccer really sucks, and we can’t wait for this tournament to finish so we can all go back to pretending the sport doesn’t actually exist.

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