“If Jesus had an AR-15, there’s no way he would have been crucified”, gun advocacy group the National Rifle Association has declared today.
Responding to recent attacks on a synagogue, churches and mosques, America’s premier firearm lobby organisation suggested it is time for the Almighty Creator put aside his long-held liberal antipathy to open carrying – insisting that had God been tooled up many innocent lives might have been saved.
The organisation noted that several members of God’s organisation already bear arms, but the fiery sword of the Archangel Michael is no longer sufficient in an environment largely created by the NRA itself.
“This turning the other cheek thing is all very well, but He needs to be able to protect His flock from, well…us”, said spokesman Simon-Bob Williams.
“It’s the 21st century and you need something with a bit more range and stopping power.
“God gave us the right to arm ourselves, so it’s a mystery to us why He doesn’t do so himself. He might be infallible, but he’s definitely getting it wrong this time.
“We here at the NRA have made it as easy as possible for servants of Satan to get firearms, and now the Almighty needs to step up and take some responsibility for the consequences of our actions. It’s not like we’re stopping him from arming himself to the teeth, is it.
“Jesus wept? Well, I drink his salty liberal tears.”
When asked, God responded that Thoughts and Prayers seemed to be working just as well as they always do.