Would-be thief hospitalized after putting Deep Heat up his rectum in Four Square store

A man’s attempt to steal three containers of Deep Heat from a Four Square convenience store turned horribly wrong last night in Tauranga, leading the poor man to the hospital with second and third-degree burns inside his rectal cavity. According to witnesses, 26-year old Jason Morrison was visibly drunk when he entered the store around 10:30 PM last night to get some food. It seems the young man was both short on money and judgment, as he decided to take three Deep Heat tubes and stuff them up his rectal…

Woman arrested for calling her ex boyfriend 77000 times in a week

A New Mexico woman was finally arrested this morning by officers of the Albuquerque Police Department in what could be the most extreme case of stalking ever recorded in the history of the country. The 28-year old woman allegedly not only called her ex-lover a formidable 77 639 times in a week but also sent him 1937 emails, 41 229 text messages, 217 sung messages and 647 letters in the same period. Linda Murphy, who has a history of obsessive-compulsive behavior, would have badly taken her breakup with William Ryans, with whom she had had a…

Canterbury farmer claims he was sexually assaulted by taniwha

A dairy farmer from  Canterbury says he was sexually assaulted for two days by “an extremely short bearded dragon” which he says is a taniwha. In an exclusive interview broadcasted this morning on RTÉ, Malo Luafutu from Christchurch, says he was milking his cows on Saturday when he was hit on the head from behind with a shovel or similar tool. The attack knocked him out, and when he woke up a few hours later, he had been tied up to a support beam inside his own barn. The 34-year old farmer says he…

Fertility clinic accused of inseminating women with pig semen

Six employees of a fertility clinic in the city of Lanzhou, in the Northwestern Chinese province of Gansu, received sentences ranging from 8  to 25 years in prison after they were found guilty of using pig semen to fertilize dozens of women. Between June 2016 and March 2017, a total of 86 women who had paid 50,000 yuán ($7,700) to be inseminated with sperm from “candidates carefully selected from the Chinese elite” were instead fertilized with swine semen. Only 4 of these women actually got pregnant, and all of them miscarried before the…

Police find ‘fuck all’ during Invercargill raid

Invercargill Police caught nothing but AIDS during a raid on a shitty old house in West Invercargill. Police pounced on Wednesday morning after getting a tip off that someone was writing satirical articles from there. They were told they would find a computer with racy homosexual images of some of New Zealand’s most sexy detectives. They were not wrong, they found a vintage porn collection from 1970’s and condoms with fecal matter covering them.

Gore man arrested for cheating on wife with goat

A woman from Gore had the surprise of her life when, while surfing the web, she fell on videos involving her husband and a goat in sexual foreplay. She was actually consulting the history of Google Chrome when she discovered the double life of her husband, who took pleasure posting the controversial videos on his YouTube account. “He was so fond of animals, I would never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes” says his wife, apparently in shock. Chewie, the small family goat, was…

Woman sues ex-flatmate for training her parrot to sexually abuse her

A woman filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against her ex-roommate for teaching her pet parrot dozens of lewd remarks which it would repeat hundreds of times every day. 26-year old Sarah Johnson from Louisville in Kentucky claims that her former roommate, 27-year old Steven Moore, caused her psychological and emotional trauma by pushing her pet parrot to sexually harass her. According to the complaint, Mr. Moore taught the plaintiff’s bird, an orange-winged amazon parrot named Kiki, several short sentences of sexual nature, which the animal began repeating tirelessly. Ms. Johnson…

Cousins arrested after refusing to stop having sex during funeral

An Invercargill couple has been arrested after refusing to stop having sexual intercourse during their grandmother’s funeral. Tiffany Bates, 31, and Clifton Bridges, 19, who are in fact close relatives, were apprehended by Invercargill Police after employees of the TalInvercargill Funeral Home complained that the couple was having “loud sex,” “perturbing funeral services” as well as “scaring the guests.” Tiffany Bates and James Bryant, who were both attending the funeral ceremony of their grandmother with other family members, decided to skip away from the funeral ceremony and indulge in sexual activities only meters away.…

Michael Jackson exhumed for questioning

The Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, California, was cordoned off this morning while investigators acting on a warrant began exhuming American singer, performer and songwriter Michael Jackson for questioning over alleged child abuse allegations. The King of Pop is expected to be questioned after a new documentary by British filmmaker Dan Reed focuses on two men who claim they were sexually abused by the pop star as children, despite their case being dismissed by a court in 2013. “We have no other option but to exhume Mr. Jackson and ask him if these allegations are indeed true,”…

Man accused of stealing 32 tons of bacon

46-year old Randolf Turner, the manager of a Wendy’s restaurant in Michigan, is accused of stealing more than 32 tons of bacon from his employer over the last four years. The man would have elaborated a complex plot to divert for his personal use, from 20 to 250 kilograms of meat per week, from shipments destined to his branch of the restaurant chain. The man allegedly took advantage of his position to falsify orders and sales in order to hide the disappearance of the bacon from the company accounts and used his…