Criminal foils the GCSB by entering private mode on browser

An eight-month investigation into con-man and arms dealer James Matthew has been foiled this week, as Matthew cleared his history on his HP Omen Laptop before disappearing into cyber space by entering the private mode on Google Chrome. Gone without a trace, theGCSB have been left scrambling for any signs of Matthew’s possibly illegal activities. A hack into his personal mobile phone was declared futile, as Matthew had been deleting his text messages as they came in. “He’s a goddamn genius, always ten steps ahead,” says Inspector Chris Astley, head…

Flea and tick vaccine rendered millions of cats autistic claims venetian

A world-renowned veterinarian and feline specialist claims that he discovered an indisputable link between the Feline Autism Syndrome and the cat flea vaccine. Dr. Andrew Singer, director of the Royal Veterinary College of the University of London, revealed the results of an 11-year study implicating over 85,000 cats, in a press conference this morning. According to Dr. Singer, researchers were able to demonstrate a direct and undeniable link between animals being vaccinated against fleas and ticks and them developing autism. “Not all cats who got the vaccines became autistic, but…

Well-known Auckland prostitute arrested after giving crabs to 139 different men

A judge at the Auckland District Court ruled on Friday that 139 men ended up with crabs after sleeping with a well-known Auckland Prostitute. George Pradesh Gadkari, 41, the spokesman of the group of 139 men ranging from 18 to 83 years of age, claims they all had unprotected sexual intercourse with the whore, who intentionally gave them pubic lice, also known as crabs. More to come.

First ever neo-nazi pride parade a real success

Pride year has been exciting with many global companies showing their support from Microsoft to Chik-Fil-A, but the biggest surprise has been the first ever Neo-Nazi Pride parade and the new LGBT swastika logo. The parade comes as no surprise after a new study by the University of Dickinbut revealed 80% of neo-nazi men are likely attracted to other men. This study has opened doors for many neo-nazis, and they are proudly showing their white supremacist pride and gay pride all at once. This parade was dubbed a huge success…

Obese man accused of trying to steal a Christmas tree by hiding it in his asshole

A Warehouse store in Silverdale, north of Auckland faced one of the strangest shoplifting attempt in history yesterday: a would-be thief lost consciousness while trying to insert a 2 metre tall plastic Christmas tree into his anal captivity. According to the police report, Marcus Shane Solomon took a 2.2m Christmas tree with him inside the store’s bathroom with the intent of inserting it entirely in his body cavities and steal it. Unfortunately for him, the pain caused by the insertion was too great and he lost consciousness before the end of…

Jay Jay Feeney gets caught up in romance scam

Jay-Jay Feeney is continuing to update her Instagram followers on her new boyfriend’s arrival in New Zealand – including what her mates think of the 28-year-old Algerian romance scammer. The 45-year-old More FM host documented a visit to a local bar with a group of her friends on Monday night, in which she asked them for a quick review of Minou while he sat and played Tinder.  The responses were all pretty negative, ranging from “Handsome but a scammer” to “he is obviously just after her money”. One male friend…

Why are some meth and DMT users using vapes?

“I was flying through a space tunnel while I saw an RPM gauge—like those on your car—that measured my brain activity. It got to the highest point and I was afraid that I was going to have a seizure when it suddenly dropped to zero with the sound of a wheel releasing air,” Lautaro*, a 22-year-old man from Argentina, tells me. “I thought I was dead and had moved on to some kind of other plane. At the end, I woke up in what felt like an orgasm and was…

Young man drops out of uni after his 7 girlfriends from different classes find out

A severe case of violence from multiple students to a young man has shocked the university community in Dunedin. The man told his classmates he was going to drop out of university, but never told anyone the reason, he just said that he didn’t feel comfortable anymore, but the real reason was discovered later, when he had to face his 7 girlfriends altogether, something he thought was not supposed to happen. “It was not supposed to happen. In fact, it was supposed to be impossible. I studied their schedules, the…

Criss Angel refuses to use his powers to fight ISIS

As Spider-Man comics have always taught us, with great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately for us, Spider-Man isn’t real, and the only real superpowers in the world were given to a man who apparently didn’t get the memo. Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, AKA, Criss Angel, likes to call himself the Mindfreak because of his sweet-ass magic, but you know what I think is pretty freaky? Not using your supernatural abilities to END THE WAR ON TERROR. Imagine, if you will, a soldier who could predict the location of enemy leaders, who could walk through…

Teen masturbated 56 times straight before dying of heart attack

Teenager allegedly masturbated a jaw-dropping 56 times non-stop before dying of a heart attack, in the proccess even breaking the world record and was awarded a world record certificate by a Guinness representative who later arrived at the home. Jerome Carpenter was found dead in his bedroom after apparently masturbating too much. It is speculated that Jerome was suffering from depression due to being “extremely lonely”. Jerome’s Mother called Portland police after discovering his corpse in his room. Jerome’s mother told Huzlers reporters “1 hour passed since I had called…