Opinion: Fat loudmouth scares men off Tinder in Taranaki

Originally published by the New Zealand Herald.

If you’ve been in a happy and committed relationship for the last six years, then congratulations. You’ve never had to deal brush up against, or make excuses to leave after raw-dogging, the fattest loudmouth in Taranaki: Emma Helleur.

Emma’s Tinder is a collection of photos carefully angled to make her look the least shittiest. Let me introduce you to the total opposite of a honeypot.

  • There’s the ‘Ridiculously Bubbly Blonde Emma’. One cursory glance and you can be easily forgiven for allocating a 7/10. However on closer inspection, there is no doubt that it’s a screenshot of Caitlyn Jenner and you’re in for a good catfishing.


    Then there’s ‘Playful Kitty Emma’. Unfortunately, the only thing feline about her is the fact her mouth looks like a cats arsehole.

  • Now we’ve got ‘Adventurous Emma’. A walk on the beach can be the perfect way to spend a carefree and easy-going first date or it could be the way Emma disguises the smell between her legs. Comparing her to the size of any large fur seals you encounter, she may look slightly better by comparison.

  • Last but not least, ‘3/4 Body Shot Awkwardly Standing In A Zoo Enclosure Emma’. It’s because of photos like these, and of all grossly overweight women in denim jackets with misplaced self-confidence, that I am unable to eat in public without being violently sick.

Editors Note:
Somehow Emma is the daily announcer for The Hits Taranaki. DO NOT ring her and abuse her on air from Monday – Friday between 9am and 3pm.
DO NOT contact her on any of these listed numbers.

Studio Phone    0800 THE HITS (0800 843 448)
Text    HITS (4487)

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