The World’s Oldest People Keep Dying And No One Knows Why

With the official oldest person in the world being announced this week as 116-year-old Japanese woman Kane Tanaka, SatireHub investigates one of the most cursed Guinness records to date, which has so far taken every single person who has held the prestigious title. Investigating the records of all the oldest people in the world, we start with the very oldest recorded person in the world, Jeanne Calment, a 122-year-old French woman who suddenly just dropped dead in 1997. “Just like nearly all of her predecessors, Calment was just your stereotypical supercentenarian enjoying life to the fullest,” tells historian Dr. James Patterson,…

Wiggas granted minority status in America

The much maligned and persecuted minority of ‘wiggas’ have been granted a protective ‘minority status’ in America, WWN has learned. Signed into law by US President Donald Trump, the Republican spoke movingly of wiggas contribution to American music, culture and society. “No one in history has suffered like wiggas in America, no one. And no one has contributed so much to fashion and music, no one,” confirmed the president, who took time out to pose for a photo with a young white, rich teenager from Connecticut who spoke like what…

Man contracts yeast infection after having sex with jar of Vegemite

WARNING: Contains Graphic Images An Australian man contracted a “potentially life-threatening” yeast infection on his penis after he had sex with a jar of Vegemite. The 31-year-old man got drunk in his Melbourne apartment and ended up having sex with a jar of Vegemite. The yeast infection made its way up his penis hole and reached his testicles, which caused a viscous infection. He was taken to Royal Melbourne Hospital. Dr. Alexander Charlton, an infection specialist who treated the man, told SatireHub that the man’s large build up of smegma,…

Wellington family finally finish bar of Palmolive soap

The Carrohan family from Johnsonville, Wellington, are having a bittersweet send-off ceremony today for the yellow bar of Palmolive soap that has been sitting on the windowsill in the kitchen for nearly three decades. Patriarch of the family William Carrohan inherited the intense bar of semi-immortal soap from his mother’s house after she passed away in 1991, where it had washed hands by the dozen Taking up pride of place above the kitchen sink, the indestructible harsh-smelling soap has sat in a puddle of hard bubbles of its own making…

SCAM: Kangen Water with Alicia Walsh

SatireHub has just received an email from someone updating us on Alicia Walsh’s current scams. “I had a friend invite me a long to this Kangen Water presentation. I didn’t know who it was with and it ended up being Alicia Walash. She is so unprofessional. Almost every second word coming out of her mouth was fuck or cunt. For some reason all these people believe her scams and when they don’t make any money Alicia Walsh tells them it is their fault and then stops replying to them on…

Cop attempts to shoot dog for barking but accidentally shot himself instead

In a totally shocking incident, a police officer has shot himself on the right leg, after missing his main target, a dog. According to local officials, the dog (named “Pepe”) was barking too loud in the middle of the night, and the police officer Thomas Brown woke up a little dizzy, grabbed his gun and attempted to murder him. His wife woke up after hearing the shot, and found the dog trying to help Brown get up. She called an ambulance and he was taken to the hospital. “I was…

Hong Kong porn star is the first man to receive ‘horse to human’ penis transplant

A Hong Kong porn actor has become the first human ever to undergo a horse to human penis transplant reports the Hong Kong Post this week. Jack “Matherfuker” Ma, a porn actor whose acting name is inspired by his eerie resemblance to Jack Ma, the Chinese business magnate and executive chair of the Alibaba Group, has undergone the 18-hour-long surgery with no apparent complications. Ma decided to undergo the risky procedure to revive his swindling career which had become stagnant, according to his manager. “Now big long horse penis will be famous…

Local woman forced to take up nangs to get her through dry season shortage of shrooms

With not long to go until the Kiwi magic mushroom season kicks off, local traffic controller Kelly Dowell (29) has managed to survive the shroom-free summer with a few nang heavy weekends. Usually a fan of the ‘natural’ and ‘earthly’ high of psychedelic mushrooms, Dowell has managed to curb her lust for natures trip hazard by sucking down box after box of nitrous oxide canisters until she can get her hands on some shrooms again. She has been buying them from New Zealand’s biggest nang supplier – nangs.co.nz. “Usually I…

91-Year-old catholic nun auctions her virginity to rebuild Notre-Dame Cathedral

A 91-year-old French Catholic nun devastated by the destruction by fire of the Notre-Dame cathedral of Paris is auctioning her virginity to the highest bidder to help in the reconstruction effort of the 12th-century Gothic monument. Antoinette DeBasile, a Dominican Sister of the Presentation of the Virgin Mary, is offering what she believes to be her most valuable asset to help raise funds to rebuild the Notre-Dame cathedral of Paris. Sr. DeBasile who entered the Dominican monastery at the age of 16, says she is ready to do anything in…

17 years later, Eminem’s closet still not cleaned out

In 2002, Eminem topped the charts with his hit single “Cleanin’ Out My Closet” from the album The Eminem Show. The vicious lyrics fledged an attack on Eminem’s pesky mother, Debbie Mathers, who reportedly forced Eminem to skip the big school dance because he hadn’t completed this chore. While the verses in the song heavily criticize Debbie’s vigilance, Eminem ultimately promises that he will clean out his closet that very night. 17 years later, new reports suggest that Eminem’s closet has still not been cleaned out.  We visited Eminem’s dilapidated childhood…