Cosmetic lab employee admits ejaculating in tanks of face cream

A former security guard in a Detroit laboratory has confessed to ejaculating in the sanitized tanks used to produce hydrating face cream on more than 500 occasions over the last three years. 59-year old Larry Gordon was arrested this morning by officers of Detroit Police Department after he was caught on tape and confessed his actions to his employer. Mr. Gordon spent the last seven years working as a night watch at a lab owned by American Cosmetic Chemicals (ACC), a subcontractor for several companies including Cover Girl, Neutrogena, and Yves Rocher. He was recently caught by a video camera while masturbating in the…

Area 51 scientists claims she was impregnated by alien prisoner

A biologist who worked on a secret government research project in area 51 until a few weeks ago claims she was impregnated by one of the facility’s alien detainees. 34-year Jenny Morgans, a Yale Ph.D. graduate in xenoanthropology and theoretical biology spent the last three years working for the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency (DARPA). She claims she was charged with studying and interacting with a group of three extraterrestrial detainees on the highly classified United States Air Force facility known as Area 51, in Nevada. Ms. Morgans claimed Yesterday in…

Saudi government to let woman masturbate without permission from male relative

The Saudi government has passed legislation that will allow women to masturbate without permission from a male relative, reports the Riyadh Herald this morning. The change was included in extensive amendments to laws governing the civil status of women and domestic animals approved by the cabinet this week and published in the official gazette on Friday. The new bill will allow women over the age of 21 to masturbate without securing the consent of a guardian, the same rules that apply to Saudi men, according to a statement from the…

Indian military officer arrested for swapping classified information for explicit photos

New Delhi police have arrested an Air Force officer who allegedly gave classified information to Pakistani spies in exchange for explicit photos on social media. Group Captain Arun Marwaha, 51, was seduced by agents from Pakistan’s elite intelligence agency who were posing as young women online. Captain Marwaha, who was due to retire next year, was a parachute instructor with the Indian Air Force, training airborne troops. Two Pakistani spies allegedly, using fake profiles, sent friend requests to his Facebook page, where he had posted numerous photos of himself parachuting…

15-year-old student builds an atomic bomb as a science project

As North Korea’s nuclear program is drawing a lot of attention and causing tension among the world’s superpowers, a teenager from Sweden has created 45-kiloton atomic bomb for her school’s science fair. 15-year old Greta Thunberg is one of the 137 students who were participating this week, in this year’s Swedish Junior Science Fair. Daughter of a Marine Captain and an aeronautic engineer, she decided to present a complete A-bomb as her project in order to “show people that these things aren’t so dangerous”. “Atomic bombs haven’t killed nearly as many people…

Fertility clinic accused of inseminating women with pig semen

Six employees of a fertility clinic in the city of Lanzhou, in the Northwestern Chinese province of Gansu, received sentences ranging from 8  to 25 years in prison after they were found guilty of using pig semen to fertilize dozens of women. Between June 2016 and March 2017, a total of 86 women who had paid 50,000 yuán ($7,700) to be inseminated with sperm from “candidates carefully selected from the Chinese elite” were instead fertilized with swine semen. Only 4 of these women actually got pregnant, and all of them miscarried before the…

Woman sues ex-flatmate for training her parrot to sexually abuse her

A woman filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against her ex-roommate for teaching her pet parrot dozens of lewd remarks which it would repeat hundreds of times every day. 26-year old Sarah Johnson from Louisville in Kentucky claims that her former roommate, 27-year old Steven Moore, caused her psychological and emotional trauma by pushing her pet parrot to sexually harass her. According to the complaint, Mr. Moore taught the plaintiff’s bird, an orange-winged amazon parrot named Kiki, several short sentences of sexual nature, which the animal began repeating tirelessly. Ms. Johnson…

The World’s Oldest People Keep Dying And No One Knows Why

With the official oldest person in the world being announced this week as 116-year-old Japanese woman Kane Tanaka, SatireHub investigates one of the most cursed Guinness records to date, which has so far taken every single person who has held the prestigious title. Investigating the records of all the oldest people in the world, we start with the very oldest recorded person in the world, Jeanne Calment, a 122-year-old French woman who suddenly just dropped dead in 1997. “Just like nearly all of her predecessors, Calment was just your stereotypical supercentenarian enjoying life to the fullest,” tells historian Dr. James Patterson,…

Wiggas granted minority status in America

The much maligned and persecuted minority of ‘wiggas’ have been granted a protective ‘minority status’ in America, WWN has learned. Signed into law by US President Donald Trump, the Republican spoke movingly of wiggas contribution to American music, culture and society. “No one in history has suffered like wiggas in America, no one. And no one has contributed so much to fashion and music, no one,” confirmed the president, who took time out to pose for a photo with a young white, rich teenager from Connecticut who spoke like what…

Man contracts yeast infection after having sex with jar of Vegemite

WARNING: Contains Graphic Images An Australian man contracted a “potentially life-threatening” yeast infection on his penis after he had sex with a jar of Vegemite. The 31-year-old man got drunk in his Melbourne apartment and ended up having sex with a jar of Vegemite. The yeast infection made its way up his penis hole and reached his testicles, which caused a viscous infection. He was taken to Royal Melbourne Hospital. Dr. Alexander Charlton, an infection specialist who treated the man, told SatireHub that the man’s large build up of smegma,…