Woman loses 50kg after four years of hard work and cutting her legs off

A Christchurch woman has lost 50kg the old-fashioned way; paying friends to cut her legs off. Bex Gordon says when people ask how she did it, her answer is never what they want to hear or see. She shows them the stumps. “Everybody wants a quick fix. They want to know where, why, how, and when, but they hate the answer, which is just get some pills and some crazy mates to saw your legs off.” Weighing in at 126kg in the lead up to her 12th birthday, Gordon saidit was…

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Man sought over fornication with dead whale on Pāpāmoa beach

Police are looking to identify a man seen deeply engaged in a lewd and sexual act with a dead whale on Pāpāmoa beach. The man was seen giving and receiving various indiscreet acts on the beach near the Kaituna River on September 15, 2018. While impressed the man was able to perform some of the lewd behaviour without the aid of a machine or lubricant, Police stressed his behaviour is an offence under the Marine Mammals Protection Act. He is described as being Maori, 30 to 40 years old with tattoos…

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Garner uncannily smug for someone who can’t hold a marriage together

Part-time moron & outspoken AM Show presenter Duncan Garner and his gorgeous, voluptuous wife have separated after six years of marriage. Deanna Delamere, 47, a teacher’s aide, posted on social media that the pair had split. Delamere told SatireHub the break-up was a relief and “6 years too late”. “It’s my business and Duncan’s – no one else’s really.” “Apart from Woman’s Day who have paid me $25K for the juicy deets lol”. Delamere left their Auckland marital home last weekend and moved back to Wellington where her two cats…

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Mother sues hospital after son turns gay after vaccine shot

Julz Carter, the mother of a 16-year-old teenager who recently received a flu shot at San Francisco General Hospital, is suing the hospital after she noticed extreme changes in her son’s sexual preferences. The single mother of two blames the hospital for giving her son a vaccine shot which allegedly has made him queer. “My son was perfectly normal before the shot” she told reporters.  “ I don’t have a problem with other people being gay, don’t get me wrong. But he’s my son! ” – Andrea Benenacci, Mother “The doctor told me there…

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Incest referendum will be held at 2020 election, Government confirms

The Government will hold a referendum on legalizing incest at the 2020 general election – and it will be binding. Justice Minister Andrew Little announced Cabinet had made the decision on Monday on his way into caucus on Tuesday morning. “It will be held at the 2020 general election. The agreement is that it will be binding. There is a bit of detail to still to work through,” Little said. National Leader Simon Bridges suggested that the Government was attempting to distract from the general election itself, but said he didn’t…

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Incest referendum will be held at 2020 election, Government confirms

The Government will hold a referendum on legalizing incest at the 2020 general election – and it will be binding. Justice Minister Andrew Little announced Cabinet had made the decision on Monday on his way into caucus on Tuesday morning. “It will be held at the 2020 general election. The agreement is that it will be binding. There is a bit of detail to still to work through,” Little said. National Leader Simon Bridges suggested that the Government was attempting to distract from the general election itself, but said he didn’t…

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Toilet rapist Daniel Moore didn’t wash hands when leaving cubicle

At 34 years old, married with kids, an unblemished criminal record, Milton plumber Daniel Peter Moore was an average Kiwi bloke. But on April 20 everything changed.  Moore was experiencing marital problems and had taken to parking up, drinking RTDs, smoking and playing on his phone, to avoid returning home. He had downed three bourbons when a woman making the trip from Queenstown to Dunedin pulled into the Waihola Domain. Her quick toilet stop became a terrifying half-hour ordeal in which she believed she would die. Moore, who appeared in…

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Vegans call to ban Meatstock 2019

As plant-based diets boom in popularity, one group of vegan activists took a direct approach to convincing more people to stop eating meat, escalating their tactics in what they say will be regular protests. Protesters have made calls to ban Meatstock festival 2019, “This smells horrible, look at all the flesh,” a Facebook Live video of the episode shows. The call follows the announcement of the event which is taking place this weekend. There are already protesters outside the event. “It’s not meat, it’s violence,” shout the demonstrators. Protesters then…

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Catnip to be made a ‘Class C’ drug

Animal rights activists have protested for years to make catnip a restricted drug and it looks like they have got their way. The Government will be making the ‘herb’ a Class C drug starting in April. Jacinda Ardern announced the change despite the Government’s panel of drugs experts saying it would not deter millions of cats using the drug. Police officers also say it will be difficult to enforce but Jacinda Ardern had already made clear her intent on making catnip a Class C drug. Miss Ardern said she was…

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