Toilet paper shortage in New Zealand prisons linked to Three’s Love Island

The Department of Corrections have released a statement this afternoon in response to allegations that New Zealand Prisons are running out of toilet paper. Corrections operations general manager Jason McMermaid said New Zealand prisons currently have a limited supply of toilet paper and he believes that Love Island on TV Three at 5pm is to blame. “Once it hits 5pm all the prisoners are in their bunks, under the blankets with tissues in one hand and remote in the other. They just can’t get enough of the sluts on Love…

Undercover operation finds suspect shits in the shower

Undercover operations which were conducted by the GCSB, Five Eyes and NZ Police over a year on certain individuals in New Zealand found one suspect guilty of shitting in the shower. The operation took a turn for the worse when one of the undercover agents left the shower with ‘mud’ on the soles of his feet. After forensic testing at an ESR laboratory, results came back that it was not indeed soil or mud, but human feces. The operation which cost the tax payer more than $250,000 left operatives with…

The idiot’s guide to streaming the Rugby World Cup for free

Fuck paying for Spark’s coverage of the Rugby World Cup this year, when you can simply and easily stream it for free. More Kiwis are spending less time watching traditional television – or they’re fretting about how they can stream content over the internet to keep watching their favourite sport. There is a big stew of services out there – sometimes overlapping, sometimes competing and sometimes cooperating with each other. Here, we attempt to answer the most common questions about streaming, in as plain English as possible. Q: What is…

ACT Party to focus on freedom of speech

Some great news from our mate David Seymour, leader of the ACT Party. Seymour has announced a major focus of the ACT party would be freedom of speech. “The idea that you could be punished for saying something offensive or insulting is something that worries a lot of Kiwis,” David Seymour He is submitting a Private Members Bill which would remove a number of hate speech provisions, such as section 61 of the Human Rights Act, which outlaws publicly abusing or threatening people on the ground of the colour, race, or ethnic or…

Corrections looking for prison officers

Corrections officers are responsible for the safe, secure and humane containment of prisoners and for actively motivating them to make positive changes in their lives. Corrections officers often spend more time with prisoners than anyone else, so they play a key role in encouraging prisoners to attend and complete their rehabilitation and education programmes, trade training and other programmes inside the wire. In this way Corrections officers contribute to reducing re-offending. Corrections officers work in shifts in a variety of areas within the prison and carry out the daily routines…

9 people drown at Auckland BBQ

Nine people have died and four more are still missing, following an Auckland man’s attempts to have a nice early winter barbecue in his back garden on what seemed to be a perfectly nice day. David Jones had called home earlier yesterday to tell his wife Eileen ‘not to put on any dinner’, as he had checked the forecast and deemed it to be the ideal evening to get a few friends around for burgers and beers. However, Jones cook-out quickly turned to catastrophe following the application of burger to…

Prison pies are shit on Sunday

For the last few days I was really enjoying some of this prison food – especially the fish and chips on Friday. Tonight though its fucking shit. We ended up getting a shitty pie, potatoes and some mixed vegetables. It didn’t fill me up. Well not as much as the screws cock anyway.

Daniel Green – The fraudster who stole Johnny Danger’s dream

Johnny Bennett’s Danger’s Lager flew off supermarket shelves on its release toward the end of 2017. Within months, the product had vanished, leaving in its wake debt, deceit and scathing accusations. Twelve months on from his death, the social media comedian’s heartbroken parents are fighting to save their son’s beer company. Bennett’s death was a sudden and shocking loss to many, but to no one more so than his parents, who are desperately trying to continue his legacy.   “He wanted his beer to go to four corners of the Earth…

Friday night fish and chips a Kiwi prisoner classic

It’s Friday. The prospect of an after-wank drink with a cell mate and an easy and tasty evening meal of fish and chips delivered to your cell door is a New Zealand prison tradition we all enjoy. Fish and chips have always been our takeaway favourite. Burgers, fried chicken, Subway sandwiches, kebabs, Chinese: over the years we’ve eaten all these on Friday nights. But we’ve always come back to fish and chips. They taste best on Fridays straight from the prison canteen, no question. Invercargill Prison even cuts their potatoes…

Are you looking for a career in journalism?

Are you looking to start a career in journalism? If you want variety, enjoy working at a slow pace, and aim to see your byline on the country’s best news site, SatireHub, this is the job you have been looking for. We are looking for a senior reporter to join our busy online newsroom. Working on a rostered basis, you will be concentrating on covering big issues that matter to New Zealanders and the world. We currently have 17 remotely based reporters and we need more! As part of our…