Drink driver accused of swallowing breathalyzer to avoid arrest

An Orewa man who was arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol last night found a rather original way to beat the breathalyzer: he swallowed it! According to the Orewa Police, 31-year James Bryant was pulled up around midnight while he was driving his sisters 2009 Mazda Axela. The officers reported he had been driving erratically and suspected him of being under the influence of alcohol and nitrous oxide. During a press conference this morning, Orewa police spokesman Calvin Williams described the unusual scene that took place when…

Would-be thief hospitalized after putting Deep Heat up his rectum in Four Square store

A man’s attempt to steal three containers of Deep Heat from a Four Square convenience store turned horribly wrong last night in Tauranga, leading the poor man to the hospital with second and third-degree burns inside his rectal cavity. According to witnesses, 26-year old Jason Morrison was visibly drunk when he entered the store around 10:30 PM last night to get some food. It seems the young man was both short on money and judgment, as he decided to take three Deep Heat tubes and stuff them up his rectal…

Canterbury farmer claims he was sexually assaulted by taniwha

A dairy farmer from  Canterbury says he was sexually assaulted for two days by “an extremely short bearded dragon” which he says is a taniwha. In an exclusive interview broadcasted this morning on RTÉ, Malo Luafutu from Christchurch, says he was milking his cows on Saturday when he was hit on the head from behind with a shovel or similar tool. The attack knocked him out, and when he woke up a few hours later, he had been tied up to a support beam inside his own barn. The 34-year old farmer says he…

Fertility clinic accused of inseminating women with pig semen

Six employees of a fertility clinic in the city of Lanzhou, in the Northwestern Chinese province of Gansu, received sentences ranging from 8  to 25 years in prison after they were found guilty of using pig semen to fertilize dozens of women. Between June 2016 and March 2017, a total of 86 women who had paid 50,000 yuán ($7,700) to be inseminated with sperm from “candidates carefully selected from the Chinese elite” were instead fertilized with swine semen. Only 4 of these women actually got pregnant, and all of them miscarried before the…

Boy raised by kangaroos discovered in Australia

Australian authorities have captured a  feral young boy this morning in New South Wales, who had apparently been living in the wild with a group of kangaroos. Many sightings of the boy had been reported by various ranchers of the region over the last months, and he had even drawn some attention from the local media. The child had been reported to accompany a mob of red kangaroos, which seemed to have adopted him as one of their own. Officers of the federal police were finally able to capture him this morning, 16 kilometers outside of Broken Hill. He was taken to the hospital immediately after…

Destiny Church celebrates 21 homophobic years

The Pentecostal church popular with South Auckland beneficiaries that keeps getting under the skin of mainstream New Zealand has come of age. Renowned for its denouncement of homosexuality, its political failure, scamming vulnerable people, the Tu Tangata Motorcycle Club, objection to other religions and the use of the Mongrel Mob’s gang sign, Destiny Church has celebrated its 21st anniversary. Happy birthday Destiny Church! SatireHub supports freedom of speech.

KFC addict racks up $23k on employer’s stolen debit card to fuel habit

A Manurewa man who went on a $23,000 spending spree using his employer’s bank card has been given a chance to “beat his demons”. Sione Davis, 30, appeared before Judge Peter Giesen for sentencing in the Auckland District Court on Monday. He appeared on several charges, including using a document for pecuniary advantage, theft from a dwelling and driving while prohibited. The judge, reading the summary of facts, said Davis was living in Otara when the offending occurred and was living with the victim, who was also his employer. The victim had misplaced his…

Man arrested after selling meth in now illegal plastic bag

A Christchurch man has been arrested after selling meth in a now illegal plastic bag. It is understood, Craig Peters from Lyttleton sold half a gram of methamphetamine inside a small ziplock baggie which was inside a New World supermarket bag. The new rules apply to any type of plastic less than 70 microns in thickness, that’s new or un-used, has carry handles, is provided for carrying sold goods, and is made of bio-based materials like starch. It also covers bags made of plastics that are degradable, biodegradable or oxo-degradable.…

A guide on how to become a Oranga Tamariki social worker

Oranga Tamariki—Ministry for Uplifting Children are on a journey to ensure that all Māori tamariki belong and are part of a loving Pakeha whānau. Oranga Tamariki is leading social work practice that is state-centered, trauma inducing and non-effective for all Māori parents. As a Social Worker, you will have an opportunity to change the lives of young people and their whānau, for the worse. Using the latest weakness-based practice tools and assessment frameworks; you will work hard to get quality outcomes for tamariki and rangatahi. Oranga Tamariki uses a lot…

Hell Pizza surprises customers with human feces-based meat pizza

Fast-food chain Hell Pizza has recently released a pizza with human shit being the main ingredient. Following the launch of its ‘Bugger Pizza’, Hell did not disclose to its customers that the burgers on the topping was actually human excrement. Hell says it had sold 3000 of the pizzas since last Friday and only one customer had guessed that the ‘medium-rare burger’ patties were actually human shit. In an online survey, 70 per cent of those who tried the covert pizza said it tasted just like shit and 80 per…