Man accused of stealing 32 tons of bacon

46-year old Randolf Turner, the manager of a Wendy’s restaurant in Michigan, is accused of stealing more than 32 tons of bacon from his employer over the last four years. The man would have elaborated a complex plot to divert for his personal use, from 20 to 250 kilograms of meat per week, from shipments destined to his branch of the restaurant chain. The man allegedly took advantage of his position to falsify orders and sales in order to hide the disappearance of the bacon from the company accounts and used his…

Teenager who turned blind after over masturbating warns ‘It ain’t worth it!’

A Christchurch teenager who has lost his eyesight because of his obsession with masturbation is reaching out to social media and warning others the risks of masturbation are just too high. The 17-year-old man who has been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) admits he could masturbate over 36 times a day before losing his eyesight. “ I would masturbate anywhere I could, sitting in class, swimming in the pool, behind the counter at the convenient store where I worked… It just became a habit, I didn’t even think about it anymore ” –…

Man looses 100kg by drinking wife’s period blood

A man who began drinking his wife’s menstrual blood in an effort to lose weight has lost over 100kg in six months thanks to his unusual diet. 38-year old Martin Sanders from Albany on Auckland’s Nort Shore, weighed over 200kg a few months ago when he decided to try a new diet of his own design. Martin Sanders lost an incredible 104kg in six months thanks to his blood drinking diet. He began ingesting by ingesting small quantities of blood collected from his wife as part of a high-protein diet.…

Netflix documentaries now admissible in court

A new ruling allowing Netflix documentaries to be admissible in court as evidence has been passed in both the EU and US legal systems, which could see dozens of cold cases face a retrial, SatireHub can confirm. Docuseries like Making A Murderer, The Staircase, Evil Genius and Amanda Knox will now be deemed as evidence and are expected to void all previous court proceedings, evidence and witness testimonies in favour of the Netflix shows’ content. Similarly the HBO produced Michael Jackson documentary Leaving Neverland will be included in the law changes as it meets the required ‘outrage levels’ from…

Boy raised by kangaroos discovered in Australia

Australian authorities have captured a  feral young boy this morning in New South Wales, who had apparently been living in the wild with a group of kangaroos. Many sightings of the boy had been reported by various ranchers of the region over the last months, and he had even drawn some attention from the local media. The child had been reported to accompany a mob of red kangaroos, which seemed to have adopted him as one of their own. Officers of the federal police were finally able to capture him this morning, 16 kilometers outside of Broken Hill. He was taken to the hospital immediately after…

Notorious B.I.G.’s son proposes to his longtime boyfriend!

The son of the late rapper Notorious B.I.G. is engaged to be married to his longtime boyfriend Jason Wertz. According to a source connected to the family, Christopher Wallace Jr., who goes by CJ, dropped to one knee in front of friends and family and asked Wertz to be his husband. The couple first met freshman year of high school and have been inseparable ever since. CJ first revealed their relationship after his high school graduation earlier this year. The rap legend’s son posted a photograph on the social network…

Woman posts old holiday pic to make it look like 2019 going well

Overly conscious of the fact that she hasn’t exactly been setting the world alight so far in 2019, one Auckland woman has posted an old holiday picture in a bid to project the appearance of someone really excelling in life. Louise McNeill uploaded a picture of herself poolside with cocktail in hand from her 2018 trip to Rarotonga, but crucially declined to add a caption such as ‘bring me back’, ‘can it be summer already?’ or ‘throwback’ thus openly giving the impression that this is a trip she is currently…

Homeless man dies from rabies after performing oral sex on stray dog

 San Francisco homeless man who was arrested and later hospitalized was pronounced dead this week after contracting rabies reports the Frisco Chronicler. Bernard John Fellman, 56, was arrested last week and charged with public indecency and lewdness after partaking in sexual activities with a dog in a San Francisco public park. B.J. Fellman had previously been arrested by the San Francisco police on multiple occasions for urinating and defecating in public, although he was never formally charged and was exempted from paying any fines. San Francisco police officers were dispatched…

Dalai Lama says ‘fuck this shit’ to further reincarnations

The Dalai Lama has announced that he will not be doing any further reincarnations on this “totally fucked up planet”, thank you very much. In uncharacteristically colourful language, the Tibetan holy man bemoaned the state of affairs on Earth right now, insisting the world has fallen under the spell of “cunts and obvious wankers”. As he battled pneumonia in a Delhi hospital, Mr Lama cited the Christchurch shooter, Trump and a planned nineteenth series of Masterchef as the primary reasons why he would not be returning to this racist, godforsaken…