Chinese Customs seize 12-tons of smuggled kiwi penises

Chinese customs officers seized over 12 tons of illegally trafficked kiwi genitals in the country’s biggest-ever smuggling case involving animal parts. A total of 94 bags holding thousands of penises each were seized onboard a New Zealand ship transporting mostly wood products and minerals. Approximately 400,000 to 600,000 kiwi’s must have been killed to produce the 12.7 tons of penises, NZ Herald reports. According to NZ Herald, kiwi penises are used in traditional Chinese medicine to cure erectile dysfunction and increase sexual vigor. The Chinese General Administration of Customs gave a long…

Criminal foils the GCSB by entering private mode on browser

An eight-month investigation into con-man and arms dealer James Matthew has been foiled this week, as Matthew cleared his history on his HP Omen Laptop before disappearing into cyber space by entering the private mode on Google Chrome. Gone without a trace, theGCSB have been left scrambling for any signs of Matthew’s possibly illegal activities. A hack into his personal mobile phone was declared futile, as Matthew had been deleting his text messages as they came in. “He’s a goddamn genius, always ten steps ahead,” says Inspector Chris Astley, head…

First ever neo-nazi pride parade a real success

Pride year has been exciting with many global companies showing their support from Microsoft to Chik-Fil-A, but the biggest surprise has been the first ever Neo-Nazi Pride parade and the new LGBT swastika logo. The parade comes as no surprise after a new study by the University of Dickinbut revealed 80% of neo-nazi men are likely attracted to other men. This study has opened doors for many neo-nazis, and they are proudly showing their white supremacist pride and gay pride all at once. This parade was dubbed a huge success…

Jay Jay Feeney gets caught up in romance scam

Jay-Jay Feeney is continuing to update her Instagram followers on her new boyfriend’s arrival in New Zealand – including what her mates think of the 28-year-old Algerian romance scammer. The 45-year-old More FM host documented a visit to a local bar with a group of her friends on Monday night, in which she asked them for a quick review of Minou while he sat and played Tinder.  The responses were all pretty negative, ranging from “Handsome but a scammer” to “he is obviously just after her money”. One male friend…

Why are some meth and DMT users using vapes?

“I was flying through a space tunnel while I saw an RPM gauge—like those on your car—that measured my brain activity. It got to the highest point and I was afraid that I was going to have a seizure when it suddenly dropped to zero with the sound of a wheel releasing air,” Lautaro*, a 22-year-old man from Argentina, tells me. “I thought I was dead and had moved on to some kind of other plane. At the end, I woke up in what felt like an orgasm and was…

Criss Angel refuses to use his powers to fight ISIS

As Spider-Man comics have always taught us, with great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately for us, Spider-Man isn’t real, and the only real superpowers in the world were given to a man who apparently didn’t get the memo. Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, AKA, Criss Angel, likes to call himself the Mindfreak because of his sweet-ass magic, but you know what I think is pretty freaky? Not using your supernatural abilities to END THE WAR ON TERROR. Imagine, if you will, a soldier who could predict the location of enemy leaders, who could walk through…

Teen masturbated 56 times straight before dying of heart attack

Teenager allegedly masturbated a jaw-dropping 56 times non-stop before dying of a heart attack, in the proccess even breaking the world record and was awarded a world record certificate by a Guinness representative who later arrived at the home. Jerome Carpenter was found dead in his bedroom after apparently masturbating too much. It is speculated that Jerome was suffering from depression due to being “extremely lonely”. Jerome’s Mother called Portland police after discovering his corpse in his room. Jerome’s mother told Huzlers reporters “1 hour passed since I had called…

‘They can’t rape us all.’ Thousands sign petition to invade The Vatican to find pornography collection

More than 100,000 people have signed on to a Facebook event pledging to raid the Vatican, to find hidden material, most of them remain in the shadows. That said, here are 10 things that could possibly by hidden in the Vatican. 10. The World’s Largest Porn Collection 9. The Essene Gospel of Peace 8. Details of Jesus’s Bloodline 7. The Grand Grimoire 6. The Third Secret of Fátima 5. Extraterrestrial Artifacts 4. The Chronovisor 3. The Devil 2. Proof that Jesus Wasn’t Crucified 1. Proof that Pope Pius XII Helped…

Teen sues e-cigarette company; claims vaping made him homosexual

Jerry Hitcherfield, 17, is accusing lead e-cigarette maker Juul of marketing to young straight men. He claims vaping made him into a homosexual. Hitcherfield who now lives with his boyfriend, says he never experienced any homosexual thoughts until he started vaping. He claims the vaping community, also known as the LGBTQ, helped him come out to his family. “It wasn’t easy, but I had to tell my family my I’m a vaping homosexual,” said Hitcherfield. He tells our reporters that his experienced backlash and his parents blamed themselves for his…