Pregnancy boom linked to “swimming pool masturbator”

A man has been arrested after being accused of impregnating up to 27 women in Dannevirke. CCTV footage from the municipal pool showed the man visiting up to 7 times a day and vigorously and explicitly ejaculating into the main swimming pool up to three times per visit. Authorities estimate at least 4 litres of semen were expelled per visit. Since September, the local DHB has reported up to 27 local residents have become pregnant, with some reporting they do not have a partner and some have not reported even…

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Man sought over fornication with dead whale on Pāpāmoa beach

Police are looking to identify a man seen deeply engaged in a lewd and sexual act with a dead whale on Pāpāmoa beach. The man was seen giving and receiving various indiscreet acts on the beach near the Kaituna River on September 15, 2018. While impressed the man was able to perform some of the lewd behaviour without the aid of a machine or lubricant, Police stressed his behaviour is an offence under the Marine Mammals Protection Act. He is described as being Maori, 30 to 40 years old with tattoos…

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Who keeps on shitting on Lime Scooters in Dunedin?

Lime electric scooters have hit Dunedin, but riders want to know who the serial offender is who keeps on pooing on the scooters in the southern city. A new four-letter word came from the mouths of Dunedinites, as 300 e-scooters were introduced to the city but it wasn’t just the word Lime that they kept on saying – sh*t too. Lime spokesman Matt McNeill believes there is a serial pooper out “We want to know who keeps on taking craps on the scooters,” he said. “I see it as an all round…

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Cannibal killer slaughtered and ate 23 pizza delivery men, 6 Jehovah Witnesses and 2 postmen in past 7 years

Police have arrested a man believed to be behind the disappearance of no less than 31 persons this past decade. Ivan Fedorovitch Yanukovych, 56, could be linked to a number of mysterious disappearances in the area believe officials. Yanukovych was interrogated by police after neighbors complained about him using a chainsaw late at night and reported the man being “covered in blood.” When police arrived on the scene, Yanukovych was found butchering a dead body in his garage and preparing what police officers described as “large quantities of ground meat” mixed in with an “aromatic blend of…

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Toilet rapist Daniel Moore didn’t wash hands when leaving cubicle

At 34 years old, married with kids, an unblemished criminal record, Milton plumber Daniel Peter Moore was an average Kiwi bloke. But on April 20 everything changed.  Moore was experiencing marital problems and had taken to parking up, drinking RTDs, smoking and playing on his phone, to avoid returning home. He had downed three bourbons when a woman making the trip from Queenstown to Dunedin pulled into the Waihola Domain. Her quick toilet stop became a terrifying half-hour ordeal in which she believed she would die. Moore, who appeared in…

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Catnip to be made a ‘Class C’ drug

Animal rights activists have protested for years to make catnip a restricted drug and it looks like they have got their way. The Government will be making the ‘herb’ a Class C drug starting in April. Jacinda Ardern announced the change despite the Government’s panel of drugs experts saying it would not deter millions of cats using the drug. Police officers also say it will be difficult to enforce but Jacinda Ardern had already made clear her intent on making catnip a Class C drug. Miss Ardern said she was…

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Man arrested for trying out dozens of sex toys in middle of Peaches and Cream

A man was arrested this morning after stripping almost naked in a Peaches and Cream store to test various sex toys in front of dozens of shocked customers. Police received a call from the Peaches and Cream store manager around 9:45 this morning, reporting that a customer was behaving indecently. Upon arriving on the site, the officers found 21-year old James Bryant lying almost naked on the floor and masturbating with a fleshlight. According to Darlene Anderson, an employee who witnessed the incident, Mr. Bryant used at least two dozen different…

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Petrol station fight sparked over borrowed dildo

A shocking hit-and-run incident at a South Auckland Mobil station on Monday night allegedly started over a borrowed dildo which was not returned. Just before 9pm last night a driver was caught on camera running down a man and then crashing into a parked car of the forecourt at a Manurewa Mobil service station. Footage shows the driver putting his car into drive and speeding into a man, sending him flying before attempting to flee the scene. A witness, and friend of the man run over, said the argument began…

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Homosexual conversion tactics abandoned in Anti-P Ministry’s war against meth

A self-proclaimed group of “meth vigilantes” claim to have gone ‘straight’ in their fight to rid the country’s streets of drug dealers. The Anti-P Ministry, which was started two years ago by former gang members Brendon Warne, an ordained minister, and Junior Kapene, now admit their homosexual conversion tactics were ineffective when weighed against the risk. What started as a few members kicking in doors and trying to turn dealers gay has grown into a nation-wide organisation with more than 6,100 members. They preach a life free of drugs and religious texts which form the Ministry…

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Death row inmate demands to be served a live cat as his last meal

The Colorado Department of Corrections has announced this morning that it had declined a prisoner’s last meal request for the first time in its history after an inmate demanded to be served a “fattened live cat”. 47-year Jason Dunlop was executed last night at the Colorado State Penitentiary for killing and eating a couple of hitchhikers in the city of Greeley in 2007. According to the penitentiary tradition respected by most American states, he was offered a last meal of his choice. Correctional officer Ramon Sanchez says he was totally shocked when he…

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