Aliens bypass Earth after learning about CrossFit

Extra-terrestrial researchers had their life’s ambition ripped away from them at the last minute today after an unidentified flying object heading for Earth chucked a u-ey at the last minute. 

Reports from the secret research lab outside Christchurch indicate that the researchers are devastated and can’t for the life of them figure out what could have caused the change of mind. 

While it’s a mystery to the researchers, SatireHubcan exclusively confirm the exact reason the aliens bypassed Earth.

A warning, this news will frustrate some readers. 

“Siannny hgyshh alllaalili CrossFit” said Lord Vulton, leader of the Draxian creatures. 

For readers not fluent in Draxian, Lord Vulton said he got one glimpse of those Earthlings being fuckwits and that was enough to make him turn the ship around. 

He also went on to say that it was a shame because other Earthlings had been trying so hard to make contact and the Crossfitters ruined it for everyone.

The reporter at our intergalactic outpost pressed Lord Vulton for more detail on what exactly it was that deterred him.

“Jalalaahh? Jghu? Wilam plauplau!” which translates to “where do I start? Have you seen the way they do pull ups? It’s fucked!”

SatireHub is still tossing up whether to relay this information to the researchers or not, we’re erring on the side of not because rumour has it they’ve got a laser beam that could easily incinerate ten CrossFit gyms at once.

More to come. 

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