A guide on how to become a Oranga Tamariki social worker

Oranga Tamariki—Ministry for Uplifting Children are on a journey to ensure that all Māori tamariki belong and are part of a loving Pakeha whānau. Oranga Tamariki is leading social work practice that is state-centered, trauma inducing and non-effective for all Māori parents.

As a Social Worker, you will have an opportunity to change the lives of young people and their whānau, for the worse. Using the latest weakness-based practice tools and assessment frameworks; you will work hard to get quality outcomes for tamariki and rangatahi. Oranga Tamariki uses a lot of Te Reo Māori to give whanau a sense of safety by making them think that we are on their side, then in the middle of the night we can come in and steal their children and adopt them out to white families who cannot have children of their own.

A big part of your day will be:

•    Meeting with children and young people and being generally rude and cunty.

•   If you are Pakeha we will force you to wear a pounamu (Greenstone) necklace to give the impression that you support the Maori community. Don’t worry once work is finished you can throw it on the floor just like you do with your bra when you have finished work and enjoying the first of many bottles of wine.

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•    Participating in family group conferences. Just a little secret, we sometimes say we have a family group confreence on just so we can separate whanau from baby and mother so we can come in and attempt to steal the little runts.

•    Partnering with other New Zealand agencies and the community to find the most traumatic outcomes for everyone.

What can Oranga Tamariki offer?

•    A negative and depressing career.

•    A salary range between $54,746.80 – $91,606. It’s just a little bit better than the benefit.

•    On-going put downs and workplace harassment.

•    Incentives and competitions on who can uplift the most amount of babies a week.

•    Access to the private files of individuals you don’t like.

What Oranga Tamariki is looking for from you is:

•   One thing that most Oranga Tamariki social workers have in common is the love of McDonald’s and bakery food. If you are spending more than $200 a week on shit food, we would love to hear from you!

•  A social work qualification that is recognised by the SWRB or full SWRB registration and a current APC. We don’t mind if this is just a fake which you brought on the dark web.

•   You must be obese. We don’t want no skinny social workers, we want social workers who are fat and intimidating. Oranga Tamariki sometimes use the threat ‘If you keep behaving like that you little cunt, Sheryl will fucking eat you’.

•    A real good knowledge of Facebook. If you sit around playing Facebook games like fake casinos and candy crush , you might just be the type of person we are looking for.

•    Argumentative, confused and the ability to make up lies on the spot.

•    A general hate for children.

•    Strong phone literacy. If you already spend more than 9 hours a day on your phone that you got on a contact that you struggle to pay each month – you might be perfect!

•    A valid New Zealand driver’s licence with not too many drink driving convictions. One or two is OK, but anymore than that then half of the bosses won’t have a fucking job.

How to apply?

Please apply using the “apply online” button. Your shit cover letter will be a key part of our assessment process, so please highlight how your experience relates to the competencies listed in the position description. If you have beaten a child before the ‘no smacking’ law came into play, you should be sweet!

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