9 people drown at Auckland BBQ

Nine people have died and four more are still missing, following an Auckland man’s attempts to have a nice early winter barbecue in his back garden on what seemed to be a perfectly nice day.

David Jones had called home earlier yesterday to tell his wife Eileen ‘not to put on any dinner’, as he had checked the forecast and deemed it to be the ideal evening to get a few friends around for burgers and beers.

However, Jones cook-out quickly turned to catastrophe following the application of burger to grill, as the 18 attendees were struck with a sudden downpour and a violent flash flood, which swept the family’s entire back garden away, leaving not a single sausage.

“6 people made it to safety by clinging on to sauce bottles,” said a member of the Auckland Coast Guard’s search and rescue team.

“We’ve pulled 9 bodies out of the water with hopes fading for the other 4, making this the worst barbecue tragedy of the New Zealand winter so far this year and it’s only 6 days in for fuck sakes. This is a plea to all people who think it might be nice to do a bit of chicken on the grill when the sun is out; please make sure you wear your life vests, and have other flotation devices nearby. And where possible, barbecue inside the house”.

The surviving members of the party have yet to give statements, although sources close to Jones widow have suggested that she told him it was going to rain from the start.

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