Rhino has 96-hour-long erection after teenagers feed it Viagra

A southern white rhino has been in full-blown erection for over 96 hours at the San Diego Zoo, Safari Park officials report. Arjuna, a thirteen-year-old male rhinoceros, caught zoo employees’ attention after sustaining an erection for more than several days. The animals bright, huge and red genitals have become a popular sight and a visitor favorite since the word spread on social media. “The number of visitors to the zoo has exploded in the past few days. They just can’t get enough of it!” a San Diego Zoo employee commented. Many…

Catnip to be made a ‘Class C’ drug

Animal rights activists have protested for years to make catnip a restricted drug and it looks like they have got their way. The Government will be making the ‘herb’ a Class C drug starting in April. Jacinda Ardern announced the change despite the Government’s panel of drugs experts saying it would not deter millions of cats using the drug. Police officers also say it will be difficult to enforce but Jacinda Ardern had already made clear her intent on making catnip a Class C drug. Miss Ardern said she was…

Eating dogs could be made illegal in New Zealand

Eating dogs will be banned in NZ if Labour are successful with proposed changes to the current Agriculture Bill. It is currently legal to ‘humanely kill and eat a dog you own’ in NZ, Who knew? Proposals to change current laws come after the US Congress outlawed the eating of dog and cat meat in the US in 2018. It’s also suggested the change in NZ law would serve as an example to countries in the far east where consuming dog and cat meat is not only legal to do but also a…

Man arrested for trying out dozens of sex toys in middle of Peaches and Cream

A man was arrested this morning after stripping almost naked in a Peaches and Cream store to test various sex toys in front of dozens of shocked customers. Police received a call from the Peaches and Cream store manager around 9:45 this morning, reporting that a customer was behaving indecently. Upon arriving on the site, the officers found 21-year old James Bryant lying almost naked on the floor and masturbating with a fleshlight. According to Darlene Anderson, an employee who witnessed the incident, Mr. Bryant used at least two dozen different…

Women excited benefit will increase with arrival of 6th kid

A Whangaparaoa women who already has 5 kids to 5 different fathers is excited that her benefit will be increasing with the arrival of her 6th child. The mother-of-five already gets more than $56,000 in benefits a year says she needs more money to buy new school uniforms for her children. So she has decided to have another child. Helena Dudley, 27, from Manly on Auckland’s Hibiscus Coast, who first became pregnant when she was just 17 and now has five children by five different fathers, admits she has never…

Petrol station fight sparked over borrowed dildo

A shocking hit-and-run incident at a South Auckland Mobil station on Monday night allegedly started over a borrowed dildo which was not returned. Just before 9pm last night a driver was caught on camera running down a man and then crashing into a parked car of the forecourt at a Manurewa Mobil service station. Footage shows the driver putting his car into drive and speeding into a man, sending him flying before attempting to flee the scene. A witness, and friend of the man run over, said the argument began…

Pitbull mix only bites off half of toddler’s face

The mother of a toddler who nearly lost his eye when the family dog attacked him last weekend is warning other parents not to become complacent around their pets. Two-year old Logan Grieve had been playing in his family’s yard in Katherine, south of Darwin, when suddenly his parent’s heard the child screaming. His mother, Shannon Coutts, said in retrospect she believes she missed the warning signs their 10-year-old Arab Bull Mastiff cross may have been going blind. She said her son may have frightened it. “We believe Logan came…

Men who drink water 99.9% more likely to be pedophiles

The University of Otago has found a link between men who drink water and pedophilia. Professor Damien Theodore at the University of Otago has found after 4 years research that 99.9% of men who drink water are 99.9% more likely to become a pedophile. “We have not yet found one pedophile who has not drunk water. Out of the 54,000 pedophiles we surveyed all said theu had drunk water at least once in their life. This is a clear link that all pedophiles drink water” Damien Theodore

7-year-old athlete outed as steroid junkie

The seven-year-old kid known as “Blaze420SmokeItUpG” from Tampa Bay in Florida has been outed as a steroid junkie. It’s been six months since Blaze first went viral when NBA superstar LeBron James posted a video of Ingram exploding through defenders in a local little league game of American football. The scary thing is that in the last six months, Ingram has actually got more freakish with the help of steroids. Advertise with NZME. The sprinting sensation over the weekend returned to the track for his first athletics meeting of 2019.…

Man claims that drinking litres of sperm cured him of homosexuality

A well-known naturopath and former LGBT militant claims to have “cured himself” of his homosexuality by drinking two glasses of sperm per day for a few months. 61-year old Brian Franklin was for several decades militant and leader of several organizations working for the promotion of LGBT rights. He says despite his activism, he’s always felt uneasy about being gay and always hoped he could be cured. The professional naturopath said he spent years studying the nature of homosexuality and the chemical properties of thousands of substances. After several unsuccessful attempts…