Drink driver accused of swallowing breathalyzer to avoid arrest

An Orewa man who was arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol last night found a rather original way to beat the breathalyzer: he swallowed it! According to the Orewa Police, 31-year James Bryant was pulled up around midnight while he was driving his sisters 2009 Mazda Axela. The officers reported he had been driving erratically and suspected him of being under the influence of alcohol and nitrous oxide. During a press conference this morning, Orewa police spokesman Calvin Williams described the unusual scene that took place when…

Local tough-guy with tattoo’s threatens to stab computer nerd over Facebook post

Invercargill Whinge admin, Adam McColl who takes his job far too seriously has broken down. The 40 something year old absolutely lost his shit when a post was made about middle-aged white men being pedophiles. The overzealous admin instantly put on his little sheriff hat and started with the threats to ban people talking about pedophiles. One person suggested that maybe Mr. McColl was affected by some kind of guilt. It didn’t take long until the threats started hitting peoples inboxes. He was threatening people with visits to their homes,…

Man hospitalized after boyfriends fist gets stuck in his anus

 A controversial rugby player is being treated at the Queensland Hospital after his boyfriend’s fist was stuck for a painstaking 14 hours in his own rectum. The couple who were allegedly practicing “fisting,” a sexual activity that involves inserting a hand into the partner’s rectum, called 000 after they were unable to release the man’s hand from his boyfriend’s anal cavity. Both men were transported by ambulance to Queensland Hospital where hospital staff successfully released the man’s hand only 14 hours later, a complicated task due to heavy inflammation, blood loss and risk of laceration,…

15-year-old student builds an atomic bomb as a science project

As North Korea’s nuclear program is drawing a lot of attention and causing tension among the world’s superpowers, a teenager from Sweden has created 45-kiloton atomic bomb for her school’s science fair. 15-year old Greta Thunberg is one of the 137 students who were participating this week, in this year’s Swedish Junior Science Fair. Daughter of a Marine Captain and an aeronautic engineer, she decided to present a complete A-bomb as her project in order to “show people that these things aren’t so dangerous”. “Atomic bombs haven’t killed nearly as many people…

Would-be thief hospitalized after putting Deep Heat up his rectum in Four Square store

A man’s attempt to steal three containers of Deep Heat from a Four Square convenience store turned horribly wrong last night in Tauranga, leading the poor man to the hospital with second and third-degree burns inside his rectal cavity. According to witnesses, 26-year old Jason Morrison was visibly drunk when he entered the store around 10:30 PM last night to get some food. It seems the young man was both short on money and judgment, as he decided to take three Deep Heat tubes and stuff them up his rectal…

Woman arrested for calling her ex boyfriend 77000 times in a week

A New Mexico woman was finally arrested this morning by officers of the Albuquerque Police Department in what could be the most extreme case of stalking ever recorded in the history of the country. The 28-year old woman allegedly not only called her ex-lover a formidable 77 639 times in a week but also sent him 1937 emails, 41 229 text messages, 217 sung messages and 647 letters in the same period. Linda Murphy, who has a history of obsessive-compulsive behavior, would have badly taken her breakup with William Ryans, with whom she had had a…

Canterbury farmer claims he was sexually assaulted by taniwha

A dairy farmer from  Canterbury says he was sexually assaulted for two days by “an extremely short bearded dragon” which he says is a taniwha. In an exclusive interview broadcasted this morning on RTÉ, Malo Luafutu from Christchurch, says he was milking his cows on Saturday when he was hit on the head from behind with a shovel or similar tool. The attack knocked him out, and when he woke up a few hours later, he had been tied up to a support beam inside his own barn. The 34-year old farmer says he…

Fertility clinic accused of inseminating women with pig semen

Six employees of a fertility clinic in the city of Lanzhou, in the Northwestern Chinese province of Gansu, received sentences ranging from 8  to 25 years in prison after they were found guilty of using pig semen to fertilize dozens of women. Between June 2016 and March 2017, a total of 86 women who had paid 50,000 yuán ($7,700) to be inseminated with sperm from “candidates carefully selected from the Chinese elite” were instead fertilized with swine semen. Only 4 of these women actually got pregnant, and all of them miscarried before the…

Police find ‘fuck all’ during Invercargill raid

Invercargill Police caught nothing but AIDS during a raid on a shitty old house in West Invercargill. Police pounced on Wednesday morning after getting a tip off that someone was writing satirical articles from there. They were told they would find a computer with racy homosexual images of some of New Zealand’s most sexy detectives. They were not wrong, they found a vintage porn collection from 1970’s and condoms with fecal matter covering them.